Simeone needs to spend half time buying a Black & Decker drill

For f**k’s sake.

The phrase that has been uttered more by Chelsea fans in the last four days than in the whole of Andrea Pirlo’s book – and as anyone who has read the chapter detailing just what the midfield maestro felt after losing in Istanbul will know, that is a whole lot.

As if the debacle against Sunderland was not enough – where a virus essentially lost Chelsea a title (let’s go with that as opposed to the forwards, the loss to the lower half of the teams and the SAS, it just makes us all feel better) playing Atletico Madrid at the Vicente Calderon is never easy.

Especially this season when Diego Simeone’s side are en route to winning La Liga, ridiculously solid at the back, compact and creative in midfield and have an embarrassing rich of talents up top. They also have the best keeper in the world this season – Thibaut Courtois in net.

It is that point which has provided such a bone of contention ahead of the game, with UEFA ruling that no money is allowed to exchange hands, but more vitally, the fact that the idiot and yes, they are an utter idiot, who drew up the loan agreement did not put a clause in there banning Courtois from playing against his parent club. Especially after the Super Cup disaster.

Then again, that is also the moron who failed to include a recall clause come January in the contract of Romelu Lukaku, so really we shouldn’t have expected too much.

Chelsea had to face their loanee and lost their number one during the game. How devastatingly ironic.

They then seemed to adopt a strategy of making sure no balls actually went near Mark Schwarzer – and after the Sunderland game, that is little wonder.

At times it seemed the Blues were utilising a four centre back, two full back, two wing back, two defensive midfielder and a lame duck (sorry Torres)formation.  It worked.

Jon Obi Mikel was again immense in a big game – as he was en route to winning the most coveted trophy in football – and his suspension in the second leg will be a huge miss.

As will the one of Frank Lampard, who despite playing deeper and not offering as much of an attacking threat, is still ever present in the big games and rightly so.

As if it was not bad enough for Chelsea, who of course started the game without Eden Hazard and Samuel Eto’o, they then lost John Terry, who predictably and valiantly tried to carry on but could not even walk let alone run.

One thing that the Blues and Jose Mourinho can bet their life on is the fact that JT will do everything in his power and indeed the legal amount of painkilling drugs to make sure he does not miss another Champions League crunch game.

When all is said and done, Chelsea were not there to play pretty football.

To call them the anti-football side is grossly unfair – Arsenal are entertaining, yet they are a joke and indeed approaching a decade without winning a trophy.

They went with the odds stacked against them – perhaps that is something that suits them – and Jose Mourinho knew it.

The manager is better than anyone around at winning tactical battles in Europe, yet will be all too aware than in his first Champions League campaign with Chelsea, that semi-final first leg ended in a 0-0, albeit at Stamford Bridge.

He will be cautious, and as he preaches, it is only half time.

Chelsea looked down and out this time last round yet came through with a Ba.

Time will tell if they can do it again, but before the second leg, Simeone may want to go down to B&Q and invest in one of those Black and Decker drills Mourinho preached about so much.

Do you think Chelsea will be able to get to Lisbon? Let us know your thoughts below or tweet us @LaFootyettes.